Guilt Is Gone, Replaced by Saddness

I wrote about having to travel to the nursing home yesterday to make decisions for my brother J.R.  I ask God to help me with the decisions I had to make, I cannot handle this alone anymore.  My family supports me, but I have to make all the hard final decisions. Because J.R. is becoming violent I had to decide whether to send him to a psych hospital for 2 or 3 weeks for evaluation or transfer him to another nursing home.  I had him in a psych unit last year for evaluation and I was not really happy about my decision.  I did not want to transfer J.R. to another nursing home and remove him from his familiar surroundings.   Changing a dementia patient’s surroundings is extremely hard on them.  I decided to send J.R. to the psych hospital.  I hope they can adjust J.R.’s medications and his violence can be controlled.

This problem arose because family members of other patients were upset with J.R.’s behavior.  I can understand that.  He would enter rooms of other patients day and night, because he could not sleep.  During the day he would stand in another patient’s room when they had visitors.  He would never say a word and this would make the visitors uncomfortable.  At night he would enter other patient’s rooms and wake them up, which would startle them.  At times he would grab their arm, but he never hurt them.  J.R. pinched the head nurse, called her by the name of his ex-business partner that stole his assets.  He would tell her to get away from him and leave him alone.  He tries to make other patients in the cafeteria stop eating and he eats food from their plates.  He has ask nurses to dance with him in the hall, which they say is fine.  The list of the things J.R. does goes on and on.

My daughter told me in the nursing home yesterday to let the guilt go.  I have let go of almost all of the guilt.  What I am having trouble with is the sadness of loss.  Loss of the person I loved and knew.  So I do hope my decision was the right one and we can leave J.R. in the familiar place he has lived these last few months.

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