How I envy the daughters who have had that perfect Daughter – Father relationship. That type of relationship seemed like a fairy tale to me when I was growing up and even into adulthood. I do have to say I have seen that good relationship between my husband and my daughter. I have also seen that good relationship between my granddaughter and her father. I thank God, all the time, for their fairy tale relationships.
How do I describe my Father and the almost non-existent relationship I had with him. Did I love my Father, yes I loved him, I would seek approval from him all the time. I never received that approval. Dad is gone now, he died of a massive heart attack in 1999. I lived several states away and never saw my Father the last 5 months of his life.
There are people in this world I call, “Me People,” my father was one of those people. Me People are those that always put themselves first, which leaves no room for anyone else. Dad chose his drinking buddies over his family. Dad had affairs and he cheated on Mom several times. Mom left Dad twice in her life and returned, once she left due to an affair, and once because of his mean spirit.
My siblings and I had one parent and that was Mom. I never took a walk with my Dad, we never talked, we never shared our lives. It seemed as if my Father had no skills to be a parent. There was something lacking in my Father that I could never understand.
I was angry with my Father many times in my life. Dad took every problem he encountered in his life out on my Mother by verbally abusing her. About 90 per cent of those problems were not her fault. Tears would well up in my Mother’s eyes when Dad yelled at her, I saw her sorrow and her pain. Dad degraded Mom in front of us or anyone else that happened to be around at the time.
It’s hard to think back to the anguish Dad caused Mom. Mom is gone now and I thank God that she does not have to endure any abuse anymore.
During a time when Dad was tremendously cruel to Mom, I could not control my anger. So much for honor thy Father and thy Mother. My anger got the better of me and, through my tears, I told my Father how ashamed I was of the way he had always treated Mom. It was hard to tell how he felt about what I said, because you never knew what he was thinking.
So, I never had the Father that I always dreamed of having. I have always felt sorrow and anger over the fairy tale relationship that was lost to me my entire life. I cannot describe my Father, I was never able to figure him out. Dad and I had no normal, loving relationship.